Planning my suicide

Planning my suicide lessens the pain. The pain of not belonging, not being normal, the pain of being trapped forever in the blackhole. I used to love Thanksgiving-

so I want the little turkey from target on the bed with me.

I want to be in the Hope sweatshirt and my wild leaves leggings. No socks or shoes.

I want my nails done.

And I have to write a note to the coroner how to wash my hair so the funeral director doesn't strip the color out. They will all say that even in death, she micromanaged. If a leopard could, would he?

It will be pills, lots and lots of pills. I mean a lot!

I know the routine

I know the routine.

I've told others countless times before.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying over and over and it fails.

I'm never gonna feel decent or be a decent human being again.

I know it this time.

I've been burning bridges.

I would like to see them all one last time.

Maybe around what used to be my favorite holiday- Turkey day

Samuel, for this child we have prayed

Our miracle grand baby, Samuel, was born 3 nights ago on October 4th to the first time parents, Andrew and Michaela. These two have been through a tremendous amount of turmoil during their young lives. Both are recovering addicts and alcoholics.  They began abusing alcohol and drugs of all kinds in their teen years,continuing through their early 30's and have now maintained sobriety for a smidgen over two years. They met while in a joint rehab program, the Union Rescue Mission for men and Dorcas House for women. Both were asked to leave just shy of completing the nine month program related to an infraction against a fundamental rule.. No communications with the opposite sex was a major big deal.  Unless you were married, one had absolutely no business carrying on a relationship, no less a conversation with a person of the opposite sex while working the program. 

After leaving and after a brief time, they moved in together in a tiny apartment in downtown Little Rock. They created their nest, worked and nearly every evening came home to drink several bottles of wine. You see, unwinding after work with a glass of Chardonnay is totally socially acceptable, even if you are an alcoholic, or so they believed. Never mind this practice lead to consuming several boxes of wine every single night.  Fast forward one year and they both were shooting heroin throughout the day and night. Eventually, Michaela nearly lost her arm due to an infection caused by dirty needles. She required hospitalization and multiple IV antibiotics all the while continuing to use while in the hospital. Andrew stopped breathing four time that last month of binging, Narcan and CPR necessary for resuscitation.

Both entered drug rehab programs again.  Michaela was accepted back to Dorcas House and Andrew traveled to Kentucky to participate in Andreas House Mission. Again, even though against the rules, they maintained communications and a connection, all the while being states apart. When both were nearing the very end of their programs, they each had weekend and holiday passes to be spent with family. Of course Andrew traveled to Little Rock to see his Michaela. They had both been celibate for over nine months, and they had mutually agreed to take sex off the table for the present time. As you are already aware, that plan did not go so well.  Nine months and a marriage later, Sam is born to the extremely grateful parents. All ten toes and ten fingers were counted, all appears to well. Neither has told me, but I know they have to worry.  Worry that 15 years of doing drugs will influence the well being of their child.  Once the adorable child was born and they spent time with him, skin to skin, love to love, all fears were pushed aside.  For this was the child they both had prayed.

She's in Such Pain

She's in such pain it hurts to breathe

In, and then out, in, and then out, the air hovers

It bends, it speeds up to match his

Choking her when she tries to relax

Momma bear knows

She has lived a lot of the same story

We both take to the closet

I found comfort pressing up into a corner too

I did not exist

I don't want to exist 

Don't touch me

Don't talk to me

Don't ask me questions

Don't tell me what to do

Shut the fuck up and get out!

please

Crying, sobbing

I wish he would come to me 

Help me through this

No one can really really help

I need time!

Time for myself

Time that doesn't belong to anyone else

I know one day won't do it

But that's all I have

Lane Bryant gift card

https://www.quikly.com/lane-bryant/s/OnKlvjqv?utm_content=blogger

Is it Fall?

Is it Fall?  Hell yes, it's Fall..... Just because it was 94 degrees out there today and you could barely breathe while walking across the asphalt in Walmart's parking lot, that doesn't take away from the fact that September 1st has come and gone.  That's my official mark for the true beginnings of Fall. 
That and the dry, crisp leaves starting to fall from the hardwood trees,
The river is so low that sometimes it is difficult for the ferry to give up its resting place on  the bank.
The corn harvest is already ten days in and the farmers are working 16 hour days, 
The soybeans have begun the yellow turn and it appears this year they will be dry enough to be harvested immediately following the corn,
The cantaloupe and rattlesnake melons are making a rally for their best producers are yet ahead of them,
The fall garden is in the ground and coming up quite lovely,
It's time to start making chili- White chicken chili that is,
The county has made their last pass on the sides of the road and the ditches, clearing the way for leaves and eventually snowfall,
Time for hot dog roasts and marshmallow campfires,
Soon to be time to leave the screen door open to listen to the tree frogs and the last of the circadians,

Fall is much faster than Summer,
It almost has an urgency,
The tractors are only silent long enough for the morning dew to evaporate,
Even though today's thermometer stated
94, preparations will very soon be made for the winter months.
Propane tanks will be checked and filled,
Wood chopped,
One last deep clean of the house before winters arrival,
Last of the night crawlers added to the compost pile,
The roasted pumpkin candles are in full on use, permiating the air with smells and remembrances of Thanksgiving,
Time for the bulls to be separated from the heifers so that no calves are born out of season,
This is how Fall begins in the country,
Even the smell begins to take on the musty odor of dried grass, corn stalks, and dusty earth,
Fall is my favorite season,
The cool wind on my arm that I hang out the window of the truck,
The decay of things of the earth, which eventually contributes to the birth of new crops, large and small,
Its not a time of death, just of rest, renewal and rebirth.

I Can Breathe Easier Now........

So Sorry, but times have been tough.  Since December, I took on a new role as nursing assistant manager and it has never quite settled in.  At first, I thought it was just the "newness" of the position and getting used to the responsibilities.  Then as time went on and the stress level never decreased, I tried to "handle it".  Well, it eventually handled me, and I had to make a choice, give it up and go back to a more sane place in life, or keep running on that treadmill hoping that eventually I could learn to deal.  It became a no brainer when it began to affect my health...... step down, and return to a slower pace of life. 
Low and be hold, the slower days, less stress, and slower pace are even taking some getting used to.  Who woulda thunk it???  Having to find myself something to do at work to keep my eyes open when the phones not ringing (that hasn't been a problem for the last year!!)  Don't worry, I will quickly adapt.  I am thoroughly enjoying my four days off a week.  Two days a week with Chuck and two days a week alone.  Sweetness!
Now I have a new old routine back, and hopefully Sunday mornings will once again be for writing a line or two.  Boy does this familiar schedule and way of life feel good.  I appreciate it more the second time around.  Most of my life I never liked Sunday;  I don't know why.  I cannot think of a better way to spend Sundays than working.   And I really enjoy the people I work with as well.  That makes it that much sweeter. 

I'm in Love...........Again!!

She's a beauty, a beast, a cream puff, a floating cloud of power on wheels.......she's a Cadillac. A 2003 Deville.  At the right price too.  Just look at her and see if you don't agree......

White Diamond is her color with an oatmeal leather interior.  All the bells and whistles one could possible imagine, even including a sunroof!!

Tomorrow morning I make that cold call and see if she is still available for the dance.  If she is, then I'll be taking a cruise on over to just outside of West Memphis to give her the maiden voyage.  Then, all things being just right, the stars aligning perfectly with the moon, she will be mine.  Wish me luck!!  She is everything I have dreamed of and more!! 

UPDATE- She is mine and she shall be called Elizabeth!!!   after the elegant Ms Elizabeth Taylor and her White Diamonds.